I will be 10 weeks tomorrow and I read that means my baby is the size of a prune. I read about all the developments he or she is making. That her heart is beating and legs are moving about. But that is all I can do...read about it. I'm always aware that I am in this condition called "pregnant," so I do all the things I should and don't do anything I shouldn't but for the most part I just don't "feel" like I'm growing a life. I don't look pregnant, just chubbier; I can't feel a baby move; I don't have a lot of pregnantish symptoms and at my first doctor appointment she didn't listen for a heartbeat or do an ultrasound. I asked her how I would know everything was okay (or real) if we were not going to do either of those things. She just kind of laughed and said, "because your pregnancy test is still positive and you're not bleeding." What! That's all I get?
What is so weird for me is that before I was pregnant I really thought I would feel "connected" to my baby immediately. Like there would be some instant emotional bond when the blue line showed up. But for me there isn't yet. I know--I sound like a terrible mother, (the guilt begins!). Don't get me wrong, I am excited. I think about the baby all the time. I can't wait to put the nursery together, see ultrasounds and of course, bring him or her home from the hospital. But the excitement is more like the thrill of imagining what you would do if you won the lottery; it is not real. When I think about the baby I still feel like I did when I imagined it before I was pregnant. It is as if the baby is still a hypothetical idea. A hypothetical idea that keeps me from eating sushi and drinking coffee, but hypothetical nonetheless. Sometimes when I dream, I dream about the baby. It is always a girl in my dreams and she seems so real then. And in my dreams I love her so much--I wish I felt that all day now. That will come, I guess.
I read in the books that this feeling is pretty normal so I'm not overly worried. I'm sure one day soon I will feel like my child is real. My second appointment is less than two weeks away. I am hoping we'll hear the heartbeat on this visit and that will help. Anyone else feel or ever felt this way?
I did feel that way with both kids more so with Jackson than with Livi. Don't worry too much about it. It might not come until you can feel the baby move. Then you'll start to worry when they don't move as much. With Livi I had a few ultrasounds in the beginning. If there is something wrong there isn't much they could do at this point. With Jackson I didn't have many in the beginning. I had the first one for sizing and then thats it. i heard the heartbeat but it was brief. I felt so disconnected with him while pregnant. I read and sang to Livi. I always talked to her while pregnant. With him I was the opposite I think it was because Billy was gone. Once I had him though it was an instant bond. We can't be separated now. :) This was a lot longer than I planned it to be. LOL
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Mandi (your ex-name twin)
Thank you name twin!
ReplyDeleteI think it's perfectly normal, now I'm no doctor but it makes sense. I'm sure once you heard the heartbeat, your feelings changed. Don't feel bad! It's too early for the mom guilt haha
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