Nothing but Fear Itself

I believe it was President Roosevelt who said, "...We have nothing to fear but fear itself." That is very wise but clearly, Mr. Roosevelt had never been pregnant.


My husband will tell you that one of the things he loves about me is that I'm "fearless." I don't really know how true that ever was, but bless his heart, he thinks that it is and I don't want to tell him any differently. I am not really afraid to take risks or try new things. Up until recently, I was not afraid of much. I would do such daring things as be out after dark by myself or even go to my 24 hour gym early in the morning while it was un-staffed. I'm a regular daredevil. I have even driven through the South side of Chicago at 2 a.m. with little to no fear. I am not sure if the following is true for all pregnant women but once I found out I was with "bun", I began feeling fear I had not felt before.

About 10 weeks ago when the first of my six pregnancy tests showed a positive result, fear of a plethora of random things began to set in even before the pee dried. The first thing I became afraid of was something called a "chemical pregnancy." This is when the egg fertilizes but does not implant, you find out too early that you're "pregnant" and then you get your period and it turns out you were never really pregnant. Since I found out I was pregnant five days before my period and immediately bought the book that shared this gem of information with me, I spent then next six days in fear of a chemical pregnancy. This is the reason I took six pregnancy tests--one for each day up until I actually missed my period. After that it was all down hill. Below is a list of things I soon became afraid of:

• caffeine
• accidentally eating fish with too much mercury, unpasteurized products or lunch meat.
• women who murder pregnant women and steal their babies
• home invasions
• traveling too far away from home/husband/doctor
• ibuprofen
• being by myself after dark (I carry pepper spray now)
• car accidents
• becoming one of those moms who accidentally leave their baby in a hot car
• bumper pads or other fluffy things in cribs
• movies with demon possession as a theme
• choking

...and those were just the irrational things I was afraid of! Of course I can control whether or not I take ibuprofen or eat sushi. Although I have almost completely cut out caffeine, I was drinking a Diet Coke for the first time in weeks and sobbed to my husband that I was a terrible, selfish mother for having it. Every unconscious choice I made before I became pregnant is now a deliberate decision that will supposedly either harm or benefit my unborn child.

Scarier than all of these irrational fears are the fears that are not so irrational and for the most part, out of my hands. We all know someone who had to say goodbye to a baby before they ever got to say hello and that scares me. The thought of any harm ever coming to my child makes me tremble. But what I do know is that for every precious baby that is lost, more are born healthy even against harrowing odds. I also believe that my life, my husband's life and the life of our child is in the hands of a God who loves us dearly. I believe no matter what happens, he is with us. He (God) is no stranger to my crazy, irrational fears or my fears based on things I have seen. He is squelching each of them as quickly as I will let go of them.

“Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes?" Matthew 6:25 

Sincerely,
Mrs. G